Gonna Drop an "F" bomb!

So I haven't been on here with anything to say the last few weeks. Been dealing with life and the busyness of it, plus I didn't think I had anything really to say. But the other morning while praying in the shower I realized the real reason I haven't been on here. The truth is, I was battling with needing to drop an "F" bomb! I have been trying to hold my tongue more now that I'm older/wiser...ish and I think I get worried that if I open my mouth (or fingers on my laptop) I might explode and say something that embarrasses me or someone I love.

So I've woken up daily the last few weeks, painted on my brave face, and have white knuckled it through the day until escaping life with bed time and would start the same process over again the next day. I have always been a person who was strong in faith, unshakable faith, never wavering, and have walked through some pretty intense things. Strong, courageous, faithful........and whatever other big word you can think of that means the same thing.

Then 2 weeks ago Dave came home with some concerning info about his job and it seems like from there it all just poured in, on top of, flooded over me until I was drowning in it. Job concerns when his is our only income, health concerns with Dave and our insurance runs out the end of December, phone ringing off the hook with all of the creditors wanting to be paid before my kids are fed, injuring my ankle while running the other day and realizing I might have to have a surgery on it, not getting any stronger while running but feeling like I wont be able to complete my goal because of horrible shin splints and/or surgery, my dad having a kidney transplant (thankfully happened yesterday without a hitch), my kids going through some puberty changes that make me want to hide until they are done, Christmas tree not having gifts under it, failing the women at church because I'm not good enough or "Godly" enough and I'm coordinating the women's retreat this year & in the middle of it Dave being gone for 3 days for the men's retreat and I'm horrible about being home without him etc. etc.

So while in the shower the other day and finally having the presence of mind to actually pray and chat with God about it ALL I suddenly realize that what's really going on inside of me was that I seriously needed to drop an "F" bomb before this gets any worse. Apparently my new 4 letter "F" word that I was trying to hold my tongue with or even keep from admitting I wanted to say was FEAR. Wow did this totally take me by surprise, how can I, this strong, brave, faithful person possibly be dealing with such a horrible, paralyzing emotion like fear!?

So after admitting it to myself that I was in fact stuck in this, I had to back track and try to figure out how I even got myself into this mess in the 1st place. But when I admit that - my prayer time lately has been more obligation than heartfelt, scripture reading has been from almost nothing to speed reading so not to feel too guilty, daily scripture memorizing and reciting being ignored because a song is on that I like in the car, sitting and having a surface talk instead of serious talk because I don't want to pile more stuff on my husband - it suddenly becomes very clear to me why fear has crept in and faith has started being pushed to the side.

I'm a stubborn person and I certainly don't like getting stomped on by anyone or anything, especially when it's through sneaky manipulation and using myself to do the stomping. So now that I have sucked it up, wiped the embarrassment off of my face and realizing I need to pull my head out of my butt, I think it is time to seriously drop this "F" bomb and get back to being myself! Not always do I crack myself up, sometimes I make myself mad :)

Sometimes a girl just needs a new pair of Shoes!

Some how in the busyness of my crazy weekend I had time to get a new pair of running shoes. Thank God I did because this mornings run was great! My calves did great and didn't burn at all like before. I felt more secure in my footing and was able to run faster and stronger. Didn't increase my time intervals but there is a reason for that.

It's funny how something so simple, like a new pair of shoes, can totally change the outlook on something, or in my case just about everything! I went to bed last night dreading the 5:30 alarm that was set to go off this morning no matter if I wanted it to or not. I had fallen asleep with thoughts of how I was going to get out of having a Monday all together. I had one of the busiest weekends without much time to stop and sit except for when I was driving from one commitment to the next and the thought of everything I needed to get done today was just enough to make me want to hit snooze until Monday had passed.

Luckily the alarm clock is on Dave's side of the bed though. So when the alarm went off and he nudged me to wake up, I responded with "leave me alone". 5 minutes later when the snooze cycle ended, he nudged me again and I crawled out of bed annoyed by my husband and his commitment to follow through with this running in the morning crap. Who does he think he is anyways, doesn't he realize that I was planning on bailing on myself today and wanted to do what I always do with the promises that I make myself and quit!


But the irritated and annoyed person I am when I'm way too tired got up, got dressed, put on the new running shoes and headed out the door determined to make his morning just as miserable as he had made mine so far. So ignoring any conversation he was trying to have with me while getting ready to run and choosing to stretch, warm up and run separately from him I started my, pitiful it's way to early in the morning and  now it's really cold out run.


First lap of running I start wondering if the calves not burning yet was because of the 2 days off for the weekend or if it was the shoes. But wow I sure am running faster and I kinda feel stronger in my strides. Second lap and I'm thinking hum still no burning and I'm feeling really good, can the shoes really be doing the trick? Each lap of running I start realizing I'm actually enjoying myself, I'm not feeling any pain in the legs at all! 


Suddenly my up too early, bratty annoyed self is switching into a feeling awake, happy to be up and running mood. If it wasn't for the cold air burning my lungs, and the fact that it was time to get the kids ready for school, I think I could have stayed out this morning a lot longer. So I finally decide I'm going to acknowledge Dave's presence and say we need to end the run and go inside, but that I think we should run again tonight because I didn't feel like I did as good as I could have so I want to try again later.


Yep, I guess mama really did need a new pair of shoes! If Dave was smart he would learn from this and take me shoe shopping more often! Word to the wise, new shoes = new attitude! He he he, sometimes I crack myself up!