So I haven't been on here with anything to say the last few weeks. Been dealing with life and the busyness of it, plus I didn't think I had anything really to say. But the other morning while praying in the shower I realized the real reason I haven't been on here. The truth is, I was battling with needing to drop an "F" bomb! I have been trying to hold my tongue more now that I'm older/wiser...ish and I think I get worried that if I open my mouth (or fingers on my laptop) I might explode and say something that embarrasses me or someone I love.
So I've woken up daily the last few weeks, painted on my brave face, and have white knuckled it through the day until escaping life with bed time and would start the same process over again the next day. I have always been a person who was strong in faith, unshakable faith, never wavering, and have walked through some pretty intense things. Strong, courageous, faithful........and whatever other big word you can think of that means the same thing.
Then 2 weeks ago Dave came home with some concerning info about his job and it seems like from there it all just poured in, on top of, flooded over me until I was drowning in it. Job concerns when his is our only income, health concerns with Dave and our insurance runs out the end of December, phone ringing off the hook with all of the creditors wanting to be paid before my kids are fed, injuring my ankle while running the other day and realizing I might have to have a surgery on it, not getting any stronger while running but feeling like I wont be able to complete my goal because of horrible shin splints and/or surgery, my dad having a kidney transplant (thankfully happened yesterday without a hitch), my kids going through some puberty changes that make me want to hide until they are done, Christmas tree not having gifts under it, failing the women at church because I'm not good enough or "Godly" enough and I'm coordinating the women's retreat this year & in the middle of it Dave being gone for 3 days for the men's retreat and I'm horrible about being home without him etc. etc.
So while in the shower the other day and finally having the presence of mind to actually pray and chat with God about it ALL I suddenly realize that what's really going on inside of me was that I seriously needed to drop an "F" bomb before this gets any worse. Apparently my new 4 letter "F" word that I was trying to hold my tongue with or even keep from admitting I wanted to say was FEAR. Wow did this totally take me by surprise, how can I, this strong, brave, faithful person possibly be dealing with such a horrible, paralyzing emotion like fear!?
So after admitting it to myself that I was in fact stuck in this, I had to back track and try to figure out how I even got myself into this mess in the 1st place. But when I admit that - my prayer time lately has been more obligation than heartfelt, scripture reading has been from almost nothing to speed reading so not to feel too guilty, daily scripture memorizing and reciting being ignored because a song is on that I like in the car, sitting and having a surface talk instead of serious talk because I don't want to pile more stuff on my husband - it suddenly becomes very clear to me why fear has crept in and faith has started being pushed to the side.
I'm a stubborn person and I certainly don't like getting stomped on by anyone or anything, especially when it's through sneaky manipulation and using myself to do the stomping. So now that I have sucked it up, wiped the embarrassment off of my face and realizing I need to pull my head out of my butt, I think it is time to seriously drop this "F" bomb and get back to being myself! Not always do I crack myself up, sometimes I make myself mad :)