Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Gonna Drop an "F" bomb!

So I haven't been on here with anything to say the last few weeks. Been dealing with life and the busyness of it, plus I didn't think I had anything really to say. But the other morning while praying in the shower I realized the real reason I haven't been on here. The truth is, I was battling with needing to drop an "F" bomb! I have been trying to hold my tongue more now that I'm older/wiser...ish and I think I get worried that if I open my mouth (or fingers on my laptop) I might explode and say something that embarrasses me or someone I love.

So I've woken up daily the last few weeks, painted on my brave face, and have white knuckled it through the day until escaping life with bed time and would start the same process over again the next day. I have always been a person who was strong in faith, unshakable faith, never wavering, and have walked through some pretty intense things. Strong, courageous, faithful........and whatever other big word you can think of that means the same thing.

Then 2 weeks ago Dave came home with some concerning info about his job and it seems like from there it all just poured in, on top of, flooded over me until I was drowning in it. Job concerns when his is our only income, health concerns with Dave and our insurance runs out the end of December, phone ringing off the hook with all of the creditors wanting to be paid before my kids are fed, injuring my ankle while running the other day and realizing I might have to have a surgery on it, not getting any stronger while running but feeling like I wont be able to complete my goal because of horrible shin splints and/or surgery, my dad having a kidney transplant (thankfully happened yesterday without a hitch), my kids going through some puberty changes that make me want to hide until they are done, Christmas tree not having gifts under it, failing the women at church because I'm not good enough or "Godly" enough and I'm coordinating the women's retreat this year & in the middle of it Dave being gone for 3 days for the men's retreat and I'm horrible about being home without him etc. etc.

So while in the shower the other day and finally having the presence of mind to actually pray and chat with God about it ALL I suddenly realize that what's really going on inside of me was that I seriously needed to drop an "F" bomb before this gets any worse. Apparently my new 4 letter "F" word that I was trying to hold my tongue with or even keep from admitting I wanted to say was FEAR. Wow did this totally take me by surprise, how can I, this strong, brave, faithful person possibly be dealing with such a horrible, paralyzing emotion like fear!?

So after admitting it to myself that I was in fact stuck in this, I had to back track and try to figure out how I even got myself into this mess in the 1st place. But when I admit that - my prayer time lately has been more obligation than heartfelt, scripture reading has been from almost nothing to speed reading so not to feel too guilty, daily scripture memorizing and reciting being ignored because a song is on that I like in the car, sitting and having a surface talk instead of serious talk because I don't want to pile more stuff on my husband - it suddenly becomes very clear to me why fear has crept in and faith has started being pushed to the side.

I'm a stubborn person and I certainly don't like getting stomped on by anyone or anything, especially when it's through sneaky manipulation and using myself to do the stomping. So now that I have sucked it up, wiped the embarrassment off of my face and realizing I need to pull my head out of my butt, I think it is time to seriously drop this "F" bomb and get back to being myself! Not always do I crack myself up, sometimes I make myself mad :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sometimes a girl just needs a new pair of Shoes!

Some how in the busyness of my crazy weekend I had time to get a new pair of running shoes. Thank God I did because this mornings run was great! My calves did great and didn't burn at all like before. I felt more secure in my footing and was able to run faster and stronger. Didn't increase my time intervals but there is a reason for that.

It's funny how something so simple, like a new pair of shoes, can totally change the outlook on something, or in my case just about everything! I went to bed last night dreading the 5:30 alarm that was set to go off this morning no matter if I wanted it to or not. I had fallen asleep with thoughts of how I was going to get out of having a Monday all together. I had one of the busiest weekends without much time to stop and sit except for when I was driving from one commitment to the next and the thought of everything I needed to get done today was just enough to make me want to hit snooze until Monday had passed.

Luckily the alarm clock is on Dave's side of the bed though. So when the alarm went off and he nudged me to wake up, I responded with "leave me alone". 5 minutes later when the snooze cycle ended, he nudged me again and I crawled out of bed annoyed by my husband and his commitment to follow through with this running in the morning crap. Who does he think he is anyways, doesn't he realize that I was planning on bailing on myself today and wanted to do what I always do with the promises that I make myself and quit!

But the irritated and annoyed person I am when I'm way too tired got up, got dressed, put on the new running shoes and headed out the door determined to make his morning just as miserable as he had made mine so far. So ignoring any conversation he was trying to have with me while getting ready to run and choosing to stretch, warm up and run separately from him I started my, pitiful it's way to early in the morning and  now it's really cold out run.

First lap of running I start wondering if the calves not burning yet was because of the 2 days off for the weekend or if it was the shoes. But wow I sure am running faster and I kinda feel stronger in my strides. Second lap and I'm thinking hum still no burning and I'm feeling really good, can the shoes really be doing the trick? Each lap of running I start realizing I'm actually enjoying myself, I'm not feeling any pain in the legs at all! 

Suddenly my up too early, bratty annoyed self is switching into a feeling awake, happy to be up and running mood. If it wasn't for the cold air burning my lungs, and the fact that it was time to get the kids ready for school, I think I could have stayed out this morning a lot longer. So I finally decide I'm going to acknowledge Dave's presence and say we need to end the run and go inside, but that I think we should run again tonight because I didn't feel like I did as good as I could have so I want to try again later.

Yep, I guess mama really did need a new pair of shoes! If Dave was smart he would learn from this and take me shoe shopping more often! Word to the wise, new shoes = new attitude! He he he, sometimes I crack myself up!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Nobody asked me how I felt about this.........

A sad realization came to me yesterday and this morning about my kids. It all started with a parent letter that came home with Michael from school yesterday about the 8th grade promotion celebrations that will happen this year. Yes he's in 8th grade, yes I knew and have been planning and chatting about High school starting next year. But reading this parent note everything suddenly changed.

Michael was born in May of 97 and Jacob in May of 2000. But in 92 I had a gorgeous little girl who sadly passed in 94. Because of her death I learned a lot of important things about being a parent and the importance of doing it right. Even though I still don't understand the "why" in the loss of my daughter, I did understand the privilege and responsibility that comes with being a mom because of her death. So when I was blessed with my 2 boys later on I went about raising them with that in mind.

When I first learned I was expecting with Michael I was excited! But something happened in me the day I learned I was having a boy. I was quickly drenched in the understanding that yes I was having a tiny,cute little baby boy, but greater than that I was being assigned the role of raising this little baby up into a man of God, husband and one day father. So even though in the "now" I had a tiny baby I was supposed to also be looking at the future as well in all my actions of raising him.

So with all of that in mind I set off to raise my boy. I have prayed for his future just as much as I have prayed for his present. I have enjoyed watching him go through his different mile stones and preparing him for the ones to come.  From birth to now, Dave and I have always taught him that his actions represent us and Jesus Christ so be a good example. So raising this boy into adult hood I took very seriously and wanted to make sure he was given every tool needed for him in the future.

For almost 14 years I have prepared Michael for his future, but in that parent note I suddenly realized I hadn't prepared me, the mommy, as well as I did the son. So I'm reading the note about all of the things to come at school with graduating from 8th grade and the prep for high school when suddenly I find myself crying! Yep, crying like a baby! What just happened? High school? How did I get here? How is he old enough for high school? How am I old enough to have a child in high school?

Floods of thoughts fill up my head with the realization that my baby is surely growing up! That all of these things that we have been getting him ready for and looking ahead at are now actually becoming our reality. Wow, how did this get here so quickly?! Why as a grown up do years go by way faster than they do for kids?

It seems like only a few years at most have passed since......Since the nights of begging for him to sleep all night finally after the first 8 months of life waking every 2 hours to eat!....Since the I can't wait for you to walk on your own because the 30 somethings pounds he weighed made my arms feel like they were gonna fall off from having to carry him everywhere!......Since the I can't wait for you to start school so I can get a break and he can burn up some energy because I quickly ran out of ideas on how to entertain him and him always being so bored.........Since the eagerly waiting for them to be old enough to leave at home alone because I just need 1 hour to myself or an uninterrupted conversation and alone time with my husband!.........And now to the I can't wait for you to drive because the always needing to be someones taxi leaves me wishing that the wells would all run dry so I never have to drive again.

Oh ya, I guess this is where we are, that he is old enough to be here, and I was an active participant in getting him here. I guess if I just step back and view it from the angle of my son stepping out into the world and growing into his own person I will cry because I'm so proud! And if I look at it from the angle of, I'm the mommy, this is my baby and nobody asked me how I felt about this growing up thing, then I cry because I love being a mom so much and I would love to keep them tiny and safe and home with me! But there is also the understanding of soon enough they are gonna both be gone and I'm going to be sitting here without a clue of what to do with my time and I will cry because I'm so bored!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Burn Baby Burn

So day 3 of running down! Really it's only supposed to be day 2 but I jumped on the treadmill yesterday for 10 minutes just to do something at least. So this morning waking up at 5:30 would have actually been sleeping in for me. For some reason I was wide awake at 3:30! I didn't go to bed till 10 pm so what's up with the early rise? Hopefully not a side effect to running.

So even though we are still in the 1st week of this running thing, I definitely did better today than Monday. I have to admit the idea of running a 5k straight through without stopping seems almost impossible, but I'm gonna hang in there and see if it's true. I guess I could always tie a rope around me and Dave and he could just drag me if needed lol.

So the 1st set of run/walk patterns I did great, felt great, didn't need to look at the stopwatch for time, oh ya this is gonna be a breeze. Ya right! By the middle of it I was watching the time begging for the minute to be done so I could stop and pray the burning in my calves would end! I'm so not used to this and neither are my calves for sure! 

I can't help but wonder how these people on biggest loser who are seriously out of shape and extremely over weight can handle running the way the trainers push them on the show. I would die if I was put to that I'm convinced. But I'll give myself the pat on the back for surviving again today and remind myself it's just the beginning. 

Crazy thing with me is, even though I know I just started, I find myself getting on the scale searching for a change and trying on clothes to see if they fit different yet. Yes I am one of those people that needs instant gratification. Apparently I totally don't grasp the metaphor in the story of the tortoise and the hare. I always expect to be the exception to the rule I guess, ya I really crack myself up!

Dave of course did just as good today as before. However I was happy to hear him a tiny bit out of  breath at one point today. I was almost giggling on the inside thinking, ya that's right you better be gasping for air! He wasn't, but at least he was a little winded. I just want to slap him because he makes it look so easy, and for him it is, the big butt head lol. But lucky for me I am a competitive person and stubborn so I'm looking forward to matching him and then beating him. Not sure what I'm going to beat him at, but I'll find something I'm sure. I guess a little friendly competition between couples is ok right? 


Monday, October 25, 2010

Epiphany! I'm not 16 anymore.....

Alarm went off at 5:30 A.M. and suddenly I wasn't so excited to start running again! But I got my big ole butt out of bed, got ready and went out to run. Within the 1st set of run walk patterns I had an epiphany, I'm so NOT 16 anymore! My calves were on fire and I was frantically going over thoughts in my head of "you can do this" and "How do I get out of this". 

Dave however sucks! He hasn't ran since Marine Corps boot camp (25+ years), but he loaded his cadence songs on his phone, slapped in his ear buds and away he went - I don't think he even had to breathe harder! I stayed behind him so I could cuss him out in my head while he ran with ease and I barely clung to life. 

So while I went over all the thoughts of "What have I done" and the truth in me that I really want to do this. I have to admit, I think the only thing that is going to get me up and going on the mornings we have to run is the fact that I opened my BIG mouth and let too many people know I was going to do this = accountability or feeling like a loser! I guess this is one of those times I'm going to be glad I talk to much lol.

I drive the kids to school and all over the place I see people running. Oh I can do this! Ya this morning I was starting to think all of those people must have super human strength, because I have yet to see even just one collapse on the sidewalk and die! Clearly they are on some type of enhancement drug or something right! Ok, I will give myself a break and settle with day one of running, check!

Yes in the planning and getting ready for this new adventure of becoming a "runner" again I was confused in the head with thoughts of the early days of my life when I was a runner and good at it, it was so easy. I had speed for sure, but I could also run long distance too. So if I could do it then, clearly I could pop out of bed this morning after 20 years of not running, go out the door and run with ease! Ya not at all, yup sometimes I crack myself up!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Another one of my "Great Idea's!"

Blogging, sure why not, I don't have enough to do right? But I commit to things all the time thinking I'll have enough time to do it all. Then I wonder why I never have enough hours in the day to get stuff done. So what's just one more thing anyways. Hey it should be easy, it's another way of talking right? At that I'm an expert! 

 A year ago I decided I was going to start running again. Why? Because I love it ish, truth, because my friends do it. I used to run all the time, and I was good at it, so this should be like riding a bike right? Oh how I hope I'm right.....

So the first 4 months of the year had me planted on my butt because of a broken ankle, 2 months of freedom, then another 4 months of butt planting because of another health issue. So clean bill of health = getting back out there doing what I wanted to do a year ago and pray I survive!

My husband said he would run now with me, oh this is going to get interesting and entertaining! But I'm excited, so we do the shopping for proper shoes and clothes, map out the route, get the training schedule all planned out and at 5:30 tomorrow morning - ready or not here we RUN! Ready or not, like it or not, because I have committed us to run a 5k in January! And even dumber than that, I've told people we were running in it so there is no turning back now. Oh ya, sometimes I crack myself up.......