A sad realization came to me yesterday and this morning about my kids. It all started with a parent letter that came home with Michael from school yesterday about the 8th grade promotion celebrations that will happen this year. Yes he's in 8th grade, yes I knew and have been planning and chatting about High school starting next year. But reading this parent note everything suddenly changed.
Michael was born in May of 97 and Jacob in May of 2000. But in 92 I had a gorgeous little girl who sadly passed in 94. Because of her death I learned a lot of important things about being a parent and the importance of doing it right. Even though I still don't understand the "why" in the loss of my daughter, I did understand the privilege and responsibility that comes with being a mom because of her death. So when I was blessed with my 2 boys later on I went about raising them with that in mind.
When I first learned I was expecting with Michael I was excited! But something happened in me the day I learned I was having a boy. I was quickly drenched in the understanding that yes I was having a tiny,cute little baby boy, but greater than that I was being assigned the role of raising this little baby up into a man of God, husband and one day father. So even though in the "now" I had a tiny baby I was supposed to also be looking at the future as well in all my actions of raising him.
So with all of that in mind I set off to raise my boy. I have prayed for his future just as much as I have prayed for his present. I have enjoyed watching him go through his different mile stones and preparing him for the ones to come. From birth to now, Dave and I have always taught him that his actions represent us and Jesus Christ so be a good example. So raising this boy into adult hood I took very seriously and wanted to make sure he was given every tool needed for him in the future.
For almost 14 years I have prepared Michael for his future, but in that parent note I suddenly realized I hadn't prepared me, the mommy, as well as I did the son. So I'm reading the note about all of the things to come at school with graduating from 8th grade and the prep for high school when suddenly I find myself crying! Yep, crying like a baby! What just happened? High school? How did I get here? How is he old enough for high school? How am I old enough to have a child in high school?
Floods of thoughts fill up my head with the realization that my baby is surely growing up! That all of these things that we have been getting him ready for and looking ahead at are now actually becoming our reality. Wow, how did this get here so quickly?! Why as a grown up do years go by way faster than they do for kids?
It seems like only a few years at most have passed since......Since the nights of begging for him to sleep all night finally after the first 8 months of life waking every 2 hours to eat!....Since the I can't wait for you to walk on your own because the 30 somethings pounds he weighed made my arms feel like they were gonna fall off from having to carry him everywhere!......Since the I can't wait for you to start school so I can get a break and he can burn up some energy because I quickly ran out of ideas on how to entertain him and him always being so bored.........Since the eagerly waiting for them to be old enough to leave at home alone because I just need 1 hour to myself or an uninterrupted conversation and alone time with my husband!.........And now to the I can't wait for you to drive because the always needing to be someones taxi leaves me wishing that the wells would all run dry so I never have to drive again.
Oh ya, I guess this is where we are, that he is old enough to be here, and I was an active participant in getting him here. I guess if I just step back and view it from the angle of my son stepping out into the world and growing into his own person I will cry because I'm so proud! And if I look at it from the angle of, I'm the mommy, this is my baby and nobody asked me how I felt about this growing up thing, then I cry because I love being a mom so much and I would love to keep them tiny and safe and home with me! But there is also the understanding of soon enough they are gonna both be gone and I'm going to be sitting here without a clue of what to do with my time and I will cry because I'm so bored!
Oh yeah, this is a hard lesson. I look at me and I don't get how I got where I am. I surely should still have my children at home with me! Because, let me tell you sweety, I was not ready for you to grow up and leave! That's right! Each one of you grew up waaaay before I was ready for you to!
ReplyDeleteI wish, that I wish, that I wish, that I realized just how fast time would fly and how precious that time was. I am so glad that you get it.
Now, excuse me, because I need to go cry. You see, I'm remembering that three year old boy who was sitting in the back of my pickup truck, who responded when asked, "How many day's till you turn four?", responded with "You tell me and we'll both know!", and I'm not sure I'm ready for his mom to be getting letters about high school! (Gotta find me some tissue...)